It's tough out there.  I thank God every day that I'm not dating anymore; and especially that I've found someone who fits my life so well.  I wouldn't go back!

I was looking for Ron when I found him.  Actually, I was looking for a cuddly, "Al Borland type;" and although Ron somewhat fits the physical image I had in mind, he isn't nearly as sweet and sensitive and the Tool Man's sidekick.  Nevertheless, I think I made a pretty good match, and I wouldn't trade Ron's blatant honesty for Al's soft-soap diplomacy any day of the week.

I remember how hard it was to date.  It was hard when I was newly divorced, and it was hard more than a decade later when I met Ron.  But I learned a few things along the way that helped me out.  Those things didn't make first dates any easier, but they left me better prepared to make good decisions about whom to date.and whom to marry. 

Probably the most important thing I learned was to trust myself.   

When I was younger and less confident, my instincts worked just fine:  I just didn't pay them any heed.   

I think everyone has experienced a gut-level "red flag" about another person.  I saw a lot of red flags when I was dating.  There was a time when I tried to reason away the instinctual warnings; especially if I really wanted the person I'd just met to turn out to be a Good Guy.  I don't remember a single time when the red flag didn't prove valid.   

Along the way I also learned to measure a man by what he is more than by what he might become.  Potential is a valuable thing, certainly; but potential is sometimes pie-in-the-sky.  I learned that if I didn't love him for what he was already, I might never really love him.  I learned not to gamble.   

Along those same lines, I also learned not to expect to change another person to suit me.  If I caught myself thinking, "He's great except for this one little thing, and I can fix that," then it was time to pass him by.      

I want to throw in here the lesson Ron taught me.  He learned this the hard way; and because he practiced it when we were dating, we built a strong relationship from the start that saw us through a couple of difficult first years of marriage.   

Ron taught me that it's not enough just to accept the other person for who he or she is: you've also got to BE who YOU are.  

Don't be what others expect you to be.  Don't try to be a twin to the person you're dating.  Don't be afraid to show that you have differing opinions, interests, attitudes and approaches to life in general.   If the person you're interested in doesn't like you when you're being yourself, you're better off with someone else. 

If Ron had pretended to be anyone other than himself, I might have married a stranger and then decided, later, that I didn't really like him.  Instead he presented me with an implied choice:  "like me for who I am, or let's call it off".   I can honestly tell you that I had to make that choice over and over throughout the two or three years we dated.  Sometimes it was a difficult choice; but because I saw plainly what kind of man he was, I was able to weigh the positives and negatives and decide what the relationship was worth to me.  The plusses far outweighed the minuses.

One of the things people find toughest about dating these days is the challenge of meeting new people. 

Where do you find them?  In church?  You probably already know all the singles there.  Work?  Dance clubs?  Blind dates?  The gym?  You'll meet more new people there, but the concentration of like-minded Christians is probably lower. 

Christian singles organizations?  That's an improvement: a much greater percentage of the people you meet will be Christians.  But don't take anything for granted ...

How about dating services and friendship ads?  Now we're talking about strangers...people you haven't even met face to face.  Add the internet to the mix, and suddenly you're not only dealing with strangers, but with people who have the ability to pretend to be anyone they choose. 

Online dating has become very popular, but it can be dangerous if you don't use common sense.  These safety tips apply whether you're talking a stranger in an online chat room, or to someone your sister just introduced you to at a dance:

• Don't be too quick to give out your phone number or last name.

• Don't say where you work unless you're willing to have that person show up unexpectedly during business hours. The same applies to church.

• Don't share private information about yourself that you don't want broadcasted to everyone else.

• Don't reveal information that could put your children at risk, such as their names and ages, where they go to school, or your home address.

• Don't give your phone number to anyone who isn't willing to give you theirs, or who isn't willing to meet you in public.

• Never agree to meet a stranger alone. If you're planning to meet someone, at least do the following:

• Tell someone where you're going and whom you're meeting. If you don't know your date's name and home telephone number, don't go.

• Plan your meeting in a public setting, preferably where you know other people. Suggestion: Plan to meet at a singles event, such as the CCMfriends dances.  A group of CCM volunteers and dancers always goes out for coffee after each dance. You could plan to stay late for coffee and invite the other person to join in.  This is a good opportunity to see how the person interacts with other people, and a chance to get feedback from your friends.

• Listen to feedback.  Sometimes your friends can be wrong, but often they can see what you cannot.

• Don't assume that everyone you meet in a Christian setting has the same values as you, or is even a Christian. Don't be afraid to ASK.

• Above all, trust your instincts.  If the little voice on your shoulder tells you you are not safe, resist the urge to be "polite at all costs" and stay out of a dangerous situation.

Lisa Cowan
Editor, Northwest Christian Connections